To My Forever Date

“What’s on your mind?”

Every time , when we are together and I’m unusually quiet, you’ll look at me and ask, “What’s on your mind?” I’ll always give you an answer, “Wala lang. (Nothing.)”. You are not satisfied with that kind of answer because for you there’s always a reason. So I will say that I’m thinking about you, but you ‘ll never believe in that. And then, we’d talk about something else. The truth is, I wasn’t thinking about nothing. I was REALLY thinking about you. Have you ever wondered why I would always stare at you when you were sleeping, when you were busy playing games with my phone or with your phone.. looking at you as if I am studying and memorizing your face? That’s because I love looking at you while you’re in dreamland, playing games, and just doing nothing. I would look at you, just look at you. And then I’d just find myself praying, “God, what good did I do to deserve him?”

I believe that God loves me unconditionally, and here He is sending you just to make me happy. And I believe in you. You are real. Your love for me is real. Nothing is more real than this. What good did I do to deserve this? I’d look for reasons. I would consider the moment I looked for the student who dropped her school ID when I was in a shopping mall with Mama. Or being a good daughter with my parents. Or helping those people who are in needs. But no, they are not good enough. You are bigger than all of them combined. I got scared sometimes. I’d think, maybe the question I should be asking was “What bad did you do to deserve me?” Or maybe this happiness actually came with misery that I was yet to feel. Worst, “What if I don’t deserve you at all?” That’s what ran through my head every day when we were together or when I am all by myself. I couldn’t figure it out. I was looking for a reason you’re mine.

Not anymore…

I woke up today with a smile. Last night I had an epiphany. Screw karma; screw it. Who cares if I deserve you or not? Who cares if you deserve me? Who cares why you’re here? What matter is you ARE here, you are mine, I am yours and I’ll be the biggest idiot if I ever let you go. When you see me looking at you like that again, there’s no need to ask me what I’m thinking and why I’m not saying anything. I’ll say it now. When you’re looking at the best thing that ever happened to you, the most beautiful man, your one and only source of inspiration, there really isn’t much to say but this..

“Thank you.”

Eccedentesiast

I know you struggle sometimes
But in case I don’t tell you enough, you are beautiful.
Thank you for being so strong and transparent,
the world sees you even when you feel invisible.
I appreciate your heart and your stubbornness.
Your willingness to love even after being discarded
and forgotten is admirable.
I am so proud to know that you have grown to acknowledge your worth.

Importunate

Knowing everything is extremely painful to me, especially little by little every details that I am not aware of starting to reveal to me. An importunate person like me, will never been satisfied not unless I get the factual answers, even if it will hurt me so much.
I don’t care..
this is me..
and I really don’t care..
even if it will hurt my emotions..
I am used to it..
I am used to the hurtful things..
Some people says., “What you don’t know won’t hurt you,”.– How I wish I believe in this statement, then I could have spare myself from a lot of hurt.
But I guess I have this natural curiosity in me and I won’t stop until I discover the truth.
“The truth shall set you free,” – another one of those statements. Yes, the truth may set one free, but it can extremely be painful too.
Those unexpected things that happened at my back – without my knowledge
– being betrayed by someone who’s so important to me..
such an excruciating feeling..
and  anesthesia is all I need..not to feel the pain.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop the investigative side of me, trying to find out things – so that in the end, I wont regret it.
But I am hungry, hungry to know the TRUTH.

Lone Diner

There are times I am like this; I just want to be alone. Alone in everything such as walking on the street, window shopping, being inside of a bookstore and eating. Yeah! being a lone diner (you might tell me that, oh no! that quite sad – well, for me it’s not). Actually I did it yesterday, entering this fast food chain all by myself and ordered this food that just for me, after I gave my orders the cashier asked me If I am expecting someone to joined me on a table, I said, No, it’s just me, myself, and I and my belongings. And that stare as if telling me “seriously?-are-you-crazy-for-eating-here-alone”, Of course I am not crazy, I wanted to be alone for now, as simple as that. So I picked a table for two in the middle of the food chain, which was not too crowded for me. And maybe because yesterday, was a very long day for me that I desired to be alone, eating all by myself. And I find it cool – being silently observing people around me – watching those people who goes in and out of this fastfood chain – noticing how the food-server doing their job happily, cleaning the tables after the customer leaves (which I didn’t do when I am with someone).  Here comes my order, I ordered a bowl of full size Lasagna that with so much mozarella ang parmesan cheese in it, a soda, and a solo size Hawaiian pizza and again a bottle of hot sauce.

C360_2015-03-11-18-19-24-179

Well, basically I am used to spending so much time being all by myself, but I don’t want to call myself a loner, maybe I am an Introvert at all times, or I’m just not good in communicating with other people personally. That’s all, But in my heart I crave to have a friends.
By the way, today is Friday the 13th, so guys hope you will enjoy this day. Be careful, stay gorgeous and be happy.

A Yearning from a Crazy Me

Sometimes I want to travel alone.
I love travel.
Going somewhere, I mean just to see those places that I wish to see in reality.
I wanted to start here.
I mean in my country.
In places near to my home.
Such as Tagaytay, Batangas, Laguna,.. that’s it for now.
To travel by a public vehicle, well I don’t have my own car anyway.
And besides I don’t know how to drive.
That’s what I can afford for now, and besides I am working 5 days a week and weekends as my rest days.
And I don’t want my family to notice that I am travelling alone.
You know, their being overprotective will be activated for sure.
I just want to learn by the help of travelling.
As some people say, travelling make a person to grow more, be mature enough, be an independent and be more successful.

Unexpected Visit

I have a dream.
I dreamed about Papa.
I have this kind of dream that God allows our love ones who have past away to visit their family.
I think for about one minutes… two… maybe five minutes.
Mama, brother, sisters, and I was having a conversation in our small room.
The door was open.
Then Papa entered the room, as if he’s not dead.
The surroundings instantly stopped.
Clock stopped, and we’re just staring at him, a little bit shocked or we were just surprised.
Papa!! I blurted it out.
He hugged Mama, then brother.
Then Me.
Tears were falling down my face.
I missed him so much.
Very much.

Papa’s Girl: When God Blessed me with a Loving Father

From left to right: My papa, my brother and Me. Our last picture together.

From left to right: My papa, my brother and Me. Our last picture together.

Being a Papa’s girl, Losing a Father is one of the most difficult things in the world and people want to know how to deal with it. It’s strange that I have seen family and friends lose parents but haven’t heard much from them about what it’s been like.
When my grandfather died, I knew it was hard for my mother. She had a very close relationship with him. She’d talk about him and tell us her childhood memories of him. But I never her exhibit pain over his loss. I assumed that because he was elderly when he died, losing him was just a part of growing older and that people had it in them to deal with that.
Some of people I know lost parents as well. They both seemed very strong in dealing with it. I never heard anything from them about the difficulties they faced dealing with the loss. Again, the impression I got was that it was a normal phase of life that we go through and we’re built to deal with it.
I’m learning it’s not as easy as people make it seem to be. It doesn’t matter how old you or your parents are when they die, their passing is one of the most difficult things in the world to deal with. And it seems that it doesn’t matter what culture you come from, people tend to hold in their emotions while in front of others. People seem to think that they need to be strong for others. I know I’ve done this. I don’t want my siblings and mother to know I’m in pain over the loss of my father. I don’t think they’ve seen me cry over his loss. If they are around and my father is brought up, I’ll put on a strong face, and even a smile, and talk about him lovingly. But then I may need to rush to the bathroom to let go of the tears in private. Or if tears fall into my face, I just wife it right away.
We buried my beautiful father after 5 days of his death. He was and always will be the love of my life. By the grace of God, all four of his children were with him to say goodbye together with Mama. Along the years, I’ve learned there is no such thing as a perfect parent. My Papa was neither a perfect man nor a perfect parent. No one is. But in my heart, I’ve always seen him as perfect even though in my mind I was aware of his imperfections. My father was my one constant. I was always certain that there was this one person in my life who would do absolutely anything for me, for my siblings and most especially for my Mama.
Most significantly, I stopped thinking of my father as often as the dead man lying on the hospital bed all covered in white. That phase was one of the most difficult. Perhaps one or two days after his death I started getting the more normal images of my father when I thought of him: my father carrying me in his arms when I was a child, my father sitting and watching TV, my father telling one of his dirty jokes and laughing his great belly laugh. Although the weeping hadn’t stopped, it became less frequent and less intense.
But it seems that I’m going through another phase of intensity again. It started yesterday and it’s getting worse. Almost everything reminds me of my Papa. I think a lot in my head and somehow most of my thought processes end up leading me to my father even when they start out having nothing to do with him at all. And the minute the thought of him comes into my head that’s it. The intense weeping starts and I can’t help but call out, “Papa!” It’s worse in the evening before I sleep, when no ones around, and I’m alone lying on my bed. But it can happen almost anytime. When I’m sad about something I remember my Papa because my Mama said that my father was the one who was affected when I am in trouble, or have a problem or someone hurts me. When I’m happy about something I remember him, because my father was so happy too when I achieved something it feels like he got it too. When I’m just normal I remember my Papa because we just having a talked for something, a usual topic.

old picture with my Papa

Old picture with my Papa

“Papa, we miss your hugs. We miss your smile, your deep belly laugh, the twinkle in your eyes, and how you roll your eyes in exasperation at us. We miss your complaining. I loved your complaining. It was never from the heart and we all knew it. We miss seeing your eyes light up every time one of your children walked into the house, knowing that all of us were present to the dining table. We miss your stories. We miss your tears (being emotional is one of the quality that I got from you). We will miss your jokes, your advice, your voice and your presence. We will miss you more than any words can describe. But you will be a part of us. I can feel you in me. You’ve left me with the one love I could always depend on. I will cherish that forever. I love you, Papa. Be at peace now.”

Losing my father when I was at the ripe age of 27 turning 28 in just 10 days, was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to deal with. I believe we will meet again in God’s time.

Today is Friday, Happy Lady!

Ohh Myy… It’s Friday, tomorrow is Saturday and the following day is Sunday, that’s my schedule to cheat. But.. I have sinned..Because today I just can’t resist, our office is located infront of Starbucks, and for about 5 months I wasn’t able to tasted it, and I thought I forgot what Starbucks food taste like, but then I’ve decided to go out, and buy my lunch.

Cheating

A Sausage Roll, It’s perfectly baked with mustard dressing, tender juicy sausage filling and covered with a soft & crispy dough (mouthwatering, hahaha) and Raspberry Truffle Mocha Frappucino – raspberry-flavored mocha topped with raspberry whipped cream and espresso truffle sauce. Who can resist this? Well, we can eat out at many restaurants and lose weight, it is all about how many calories we consume. Once again, everything in moderation wins.

Actually, it is so hard to discipline ourselves when it comes to food, we love to eat don’t we?

Sweet as Sugar

The start of my day is kinda a bit frustrating for some personal reason, (so drama, hahaha). If not the books one of my way to relax is the music, most of the time music is all I need to make me feel better, (well aside for cuddling). Music is my way out, my way of getting away of everything. But what if I left my earphone to the office, and it gives me the idea to get out of the house and go to the office even if we don’t have a work evry Saturday and Sunday, luckily I am the one who hold the keys. And as I enter the office I decided to open my computer to check an emails, but my hands has its own mind, and type youtube. The frst video that I click is this Sugar by Maroon 5.

“It’s December 6, 2014. We’re going to drive across LA and hit every wedding we possibly can. It’s going to be awesome,” Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine said in the beginning of the video.

If it was a gate crashing or not, I don’t mind but this is one of the great music video ever made, seeing the reactions of every bride and groom that’ s a terrific and awesome. Whom ever the idea it is, she or he has a brilliant mind to get the attention of every viewers. And made the emotion of every viewers to switch from sad and a little bit mad, to surprise and joy, almost laughing.

73rd

73rd

Ang bilis ng panahon, parang kailan lang hindi natin kilala ang isa’t isa – a total strangers. Buti na lang we are living in a world of technology, may cellphone na, ehh dito tayo nagkakilala hindi ba? What if walang cellphone, paano kaya tayo magkakakilala? Sa sulat? magkakabanggaan? o magkikita sa bahay ng Tita ko, like ininvite ka niya sa Fiesta sa lugar nila. Tutal naman si Tita naman talaga yung pinaka naging instrument kung bakit tayo nagkatagpo.Anyway the rest is history ika nga, and that history will always be the sweetest and it’s recorded talaga.
The most important is the present, Today January 22, 2015, it’s our 73rd monthsary we will not see each other not until Saturday for we are both busy in our job, of course we are doing this for our future, and I am not really sure kung mag start na ba akong magcount down, baka kasi mapurnada pa. Pero five months to go, and the “biggest day” in our life will happen.

Happy 73rd! And you never failed to made me fall in love with you. I love you more and more!